Even tempered,
Calm
Rational (for the most part),
Nerves of steel…
Not one to easily jump to conclusions
That was me before motherhood. And then there is ME two years into this blissful chapter of my life:
Forgetful,
Snappy,
Looking for excuses to go to the bathroom,
Feeling an intense need to drop everything so I can scrawl pictures on Pinterest of dishes, outfits, toddler activities and interior design. All this, while internalizing that I will never again look at my newly saved “future projects” folder again, let alone do them.
Oh, and of course, let’s not leave out the guilt! The very essential element to every mother’s daily routine.
I am now officially the epitome of “one of those moms”.
***
It took me two years…. two years of trying to make it work. Sticking to my plan that is…the plan where I was a superwoman,
the mom that went back to work a month and a half after giving birth (on my own accord), never missing a single payment,
the woman that was going to balance romance, career and being a mother in a perfect ratio so e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. was going to be happy and well taken care of, including me…
… two years of this stubbornness and I am now ready to admit that I need a BREAK!
***
Mental exhaustion creeps up on you like an assassin in stealth mode. It’s quiet, persistent and determined to take you out when you least expect it and no 64oz coffee mug is gonna save your sanity. You will be flying on your A-game one moment: cleaning, cooking, feeding your little one(s), all while having a meaningful conversation with your bae or listening to podcasts, and at the next you find yourself glaring at your toddler looking at the pee pool around them, mouth pursed together corners trembling from anger and disappointment as you hear your voice whisper in the nicest manner you can mumble (which also just happened to squeeze every last ounce of patience and strength) “sweetie, your potty is literally right next to you”. The next second you are on the bathroom floor with your head between your hands pondering the meaning of life with your toddler pounding on the door wanting a “mommy hug”.
Now, I can give you 100 excuses and say that it is a combination of external factors like social expectations, the impact the superhuman females in my life had on my own belief of what a woman and a mother should be capable of doing; my partner’s inability to detect when I am at the verge of a breakdown, but I think I need to face reality and finally admit that the main culprit in this whole situation is me.
Yes, society as a whole needs a lot of revamping when it comes to gender roles in the family, there is no doubt about that. And the matriarchal force of nature that was my grandma certainly had some residual impact on a subconscious level. But overall it is my responsibility to realize when a new check and balance system needs to be established that will help me detect when I am about to lose my shit, well before I actually do. After all, a happy mommy really does lead to a happy baby, hell… a happy world…
Having a child is no joke. I think we all know that. We hear it everywhere. But I do not think that many of us are actually capable of foreseeing the incredible transformation the addition of this little human will have on our schedules, downtime, emotional stability, physical exhaustion, and the list goes on. I used to be the first one to toot my toot when it came to talking about how I would do everything in my power to not change my life after having my baby. “I am European-Canadian” I would say to all my friends. I got this. Whatever that meant. But I think it is time to fold the cards and admit that even though we still maintain a great deal of our past life activities, the lack of “me” time has taken a toll on my social as well as personal life.
As a result, I feel overwhelmed, overworked, over-stimulated, over-exhausted in other words I am just pure bliss to be around.
So during my last meltdown, I took some time to make a list of things I need to do and I am happy to say that with a little project management I am now steadily heading back towards my sunshiny self. So I wanted to share some of the ideas that worked for me and hopefully it will for you as well.
Revise your schedule:
- Create a colour-coded version of your weekly schedule, including all your tasks, responsibilities, romance and pure mommy time. (If you have less than an hour of undisturbed “quarantined mommy zone” you need to revisit your schedule.
* I would strongly recommend a bullet journal. It gives you more flexibility and independence. Spending time designing it also makes it more likely that you will follow through to update it daily.
- If a daily work out of at least 5 minutes isn’t on your list, you change that right away. (A daily work out could be as easy as turning on your fave song and dancing with your baby, win-win! The downside is that your toddler now wants to dance with you all the time, so it’s always good to have a back up super fun activity for them when you tell them this is the last song)
- Start thinking of ways to combine tasks and increase efficiency (eg. tidy up/cook when your kids are up and about. Ask them to help out. Seeing you doing chores also teaches them that housework is part of everyone’s life and has to be done. Not to mention that it also provides them with independent time, when mommy isn’t available to entertain them. You will be amazed at all the creative things they come up with. (Of course, there is no need to mention that screen time is not a sound way to entertain them with).
- Talk to your partner. Schedule a time for a conversation on this topic. It makes it a little more official and expected than just taking on the subject randomly after kids are in bed and you are both exhausted. It is important to outline your struggles, be brief and specific. Let them know that you need help and suggest a few ways of how they can do that.
**My partner and I speak in different tongues when it comes to a lot of things and sometimes I find it easier to just send him an email with all the main points and ask him to follow up with a face to face conversation. This way I diminish my risk of going off on tangents and spiraling out of the main points that need to be discussed.
Cultivate your mind:
- Figure out what sparks your creativity and what makes you feel productive: writing, painting, crocheting, playing a musical instrument, learning a second language, etc. Dedicate 5-10 undisturbed mins a day ( to start) on this activity. It doesn’t matter how much you suck at it, the point is to establish a habit of doing something enriching for you and only you!
- Podcasts… Podcasts… Podcasts… I cannot begin to explain the wonders these did to my mental state. It doesn’t matter whether you prefer to listen to mysteries, stories, news or educational ones, it will help cultivate your brain in magnificent ways. Not to mention, how much more relaxing and pleasurable the process of doing chores becomes. Now, I actually look forward to cooking.
- Start a daily tracker of all the activities that you want to do and colour those little squares. I promise it will help you gain insight into your own progress and make you feel more accomplished.
- Vitamin D. This here is a MUST for my fellow moms who live north of the 40th parallel (or really for anyone who experiences the winter blues). Talk to your doctor. Get yourself some blood work and see if you are low on some of the essential vitamins and nutrients. Your health is most important, so if there is anything you put on your “must-do” list, this will be it.
- Start a tracking system for your mood and inspiration. You might surprise yourself and discover that you feel more productive and energetic on specific times of the day/ week/ month and so you can plan to capitalize on your hype moments.
- Remind yourself about what you are grateful for every day. With all the overpacked schedules and daily routines, it has never been more important to give yourself a chance to reflect on all that is good in your life. I keep a tiny gratitude journal on my bedside table and I try to write every night before going to bed. There is no need to get all fancy with this, just a line or two would do the trick.
***
Remember! When it comes to your little one(s), you are their whole world. They look up to you for everything, including the way you handle stressful situations. Giving yourself a chance to breathe, carving out moments throughout the day to just forget about all your duties and let yourself lay down on the floor reflecting on the immense love that’s sizzling beneath all the worries and responsibilities, or just indulge yourself in a game of catch might be just the thing you need. Don’t forget to enjoy the little things!
The Tardigrade Mom 